the basement is cold, but functional, better than being at work right now. people who go out into society should never think that they are entilted to be treated better than anyone else. slavery was abolished with the last drop of blood spilled, and i know that was very long ago.
animals crawl around in my mind, lurking there, waiting for the moment when it will be okay to come out and tear apart the world around me. it should be the meds talking now, but when you can't afford them, you try to talk down the monsters in your head, hoping for a minute of peace when you lay you head on that down pillow. pain wracks my brain daily, taming them as much as i can, which is so much harder than i have ever imagined.
i created this as a place that i could write down every fucking thing i can't say, just to have an outlet for those macrabe dreams that surround me when i'm awake. imagine seeing your life fall around you in seconds, all because someone said something defaming you, hurting the thick wall you've built around your heart, callousing all the parts that can die. imagine trying to fix damage done by no one but yourself, telling you to do things you know are wrong, but you don't figure out until after the fact, and the damage is so very badly done.
when i listen to music, it takes the pain away for awhile, bringing in a light that shines down to my soul. everyone should have something like that, a technicolor dream world that opens up when you know if it doesn't you'll die and everything that's made itself a part of you will too.
imagine being someone who doesn't know what it's like to be right ever--because his/her mind won't let them. gray is a world i don't know about. i only see in the harsh colors of black and white while you sit there in that brightly color life--looking down on me.
shut the fuck up, fucker, fuck you and fuck everything you believe in. i own myself, the world i live in, and i am no one to anyone.......not even to me.
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