happy birthday to the crazy bitch in the happy hat

birthdays suck, at least as far as they do for me. 14 and no care in the world, get my first 6 pack, 18 and in rehab, 19 and pregnant, living in iowa city with a dying baby, 24 alone and leaving my kids with the hubby because i'm off meds and insane.

there's more.

this year is pretty tame, i think.

scotch a roo bars, made my way, steaks, green beans and baked potatoes--diet be damned.

why is it always food that makes the day?

how about coloured her hair and watched The Tudors and listened to "Saturday'?

or

slept for 5 hours cuddled with the only man i'll grow old with?

or

stalked my favorites on the net while i got high on amonia and burned my scalp.

the last one, yeah, that's how we'll remember this one;this year;this day.

hugs and love to you.
the only thing to make this better would be for pete to dance to patrick singing "dance, dance". I could die happy and complete then.

you know, i decided something today.

i don't care if anyone reads this journal, or my countless others. i thought at first, that it would be like some sick invasion of my privacy if certain people (you know you who you are-pete-) would read my thoughts, but then something hit me like a ton of bricks.

we read his stuff, so it should by alright for him to read ours.

hee hee.

i reccommend anyone connected to this fandom not to write anything that they don't want him to read. lol! that means you.

i haven't been able to come near the computer or watch tv since last night when i found out.

heath was one of my favorite actors, he was amazing. i cried so hard after i saw his face with those numbers on the news, it was like a piece of my heart being ripped out and left to lie on the floor bleeding, and no one noticed.

except schyler.

my little twelve year old climbing on my lap, tears in his eyes, head on my shoulder, wanting words to make him smile again.

heath was his hero when schyler was young. he thought he was the best knight ever, and we ruined three dvd's watching it over and over in use. i can only imagine what would happen if he lost james marsters or pete. for a kid that has to strugglw with life, believeing in someone bigger than him gets him through the day, and this was like losing some of him too, i think. if i could tell people one thing about him that makes me proud is is that even though he should be down all the time, worried about death that faces him down at every turn, and he's starting to go through puberty, with all those emotions, so this couldn't come at a worse time. but what i'm most proud of, is even though a hero of his is dead, all he wants is to remember him.

that brings me to the entire purpose of the post here.

remember heath, remember every facet, remember what he did.

but i'll believe what he could of been, what he should have done.

for now.

and peter, stay safe. i don't know how much more i could handle. we love you, the world loves you, and those around you love you.

i know you don't need that, but for my piece of mind, i'm telling you anyway. i'm telling everyone i know i love them everyday.

cause patrick said so.

for those who read this, i love you, even if i don't know you.

for a minute, i think i matter, and that's all i care about

so pete reads his comments on his new blog. that makes me smile, and for some reason, kinda warm inside. there are a lot of smart people who comment there, but for the most part, there's a lot of kids who just want his attention.

personally, i don't care if i have his.

he's just another person, abeit a little interesting, that makes me smile. so when he talks, i take the time to talk back. in all actuallity i should do that with all my online friends, but i don't know them as well as i want to. so as soon as i do, i will.

although, pete, if you ever do read this, don't think i'm a freak. i kinda love you in a 'ohmygoditspetewentzholyshit' kinda way. and also, 'this is one guy i could be friends with'. yeah i mostly hang out with idiots that like to pull pranks and fuck off for life.

god, i realized i need adult friends, lol.

also, just so you know, the people i'm friends with could be friends of yours too, if we knew you in the real world. they're cool like that.

OT: i am so glad that schyler's healthy right now. since we're losing his insurance, if he got sick and needed to be inpatient, we would be fucked. that's what you get when your kid has cystic fibrosis/cystic fibrosis related diabetes/cirrohsis/asthma/ADHD/OCD/and depression.

oh and petey...if you're ever in iowa and want to meet a cool kid who for some ungodly known reason wants to be just like you when you grow up, lemme know. you guys would be great pals. i don't think he'll ever want to grow up either. but would you if you were him?

really?

five reasons why i adore (put a name here)

i decided, in my minor delusional episode, to tell you, and whoever is reading this, 5 reasons why i adore certain people. they range from people i know in real life, to people i met on the internet. if your name comes up and you want it off, then let me know, i'll delete it.

enjoy.

schyler aren:
1.) my first born
2.) the only person i tell every secret to
3.) you accept me for who i am
4.) you have my heart wrapped around your little finger
5.) in all my insane ranting, you've found a way not to be like me

sethers:
1.) my xerox
2.) my baby boy
3.) you want to change your name to set, and have since you found out who set was
4.) you think you're from jupiter
5.) unfortunately, you're as crazy as me.

joey joe:
1.) you love me unconditionally
2.) no matter what or who i like, you try to like it too
3.) your hugs are amazing
4.) you haven't let my craziness ruin us
5.) your eyes are like the answer to every question i've ever had

pete:
1.) you're a little crazy too
2.) you're not afraid to be yourself
3.) your scratchy voice melts my heart
4.) you have an extensive mind that allows you to believe in the most out of this world things
5.) two words: neverland and pan

patrick martin:
1.) when i hear your voice i can't think sometimes
2.) no matter what everyone thinks you look like, you're still you to me
3.) musical genius
4.) you care, even when you think you don't
5.) you love pete, and only god knows why

sarah:
1.) your wit
2.) your creativity
3.) you have a heart breaking philosophy towards life
4.) gabilliam
5.) you like me for me

that's all i want to put for now, maybe add more later.
love and insaneness to you all, be well.

so Petey got himself a new blog.
he needs something to occupy the hours with.
for those of you hanging with me, don't go rushing over to see what you're missing.
take your time, he's just posting pics and wanting to see what you have to say.

other news.....
i think i'm in serious like with a short, strawberry blonde, kinda soft looking younger guy, lmao!
he's a hottie in every sense of the word, and not that it's news, but it dawned on me at 4 am, that it is true.

my family thinks i might be crazier than normal.
i made them listen to PATD, FOB, CS, and MCS(motioncitysoundtrack for those not in the know) yesterday all day.
it was fabulous!


serious thought of the day folks?
where in the hell are we going to move to? and how?