i haven't been able to come near the computer or watch tv since last night when i found out.

heath was one of my favorite actors, he was amazing. i cried so hard after i saw his face with those numbers on the news, it was like a piece of my heart being ripped out and left to lie on the floor bleeding, and no one noticed.

except schyler.

my little twelve year old climbing on my lap, tears in his eyes, head on my shoulder, wanting words to make him smile again.

heath was his hero when schyler was young. he thought he was the best knight ever, and we ruined three dvd's watching it over and over in use. i can only imagine what would happen if he lost james marsters or pete. for a kid that has to strugglw with life, believeing in someone bigger than him gets him through the day, and this was like losing some of him too, i think. if i could tell people one thing about him that makes me proud is is that even though he should be down all the time, worried about death that faces him down at every turn, and he's starting to go through puberty, with all those emotions, so this couldn't come at a worse time. but what i'm most proud of, is even though a hero of his is dead, all he wants is to remember him.

that brings me to the entire purpose of the post here.

remember heath, remember every facet, remember what he did.

but i'll believe what he could of been, what he should have done.

for now.

and peter, stay safe. i don't know how much more i could handle. we love you, the world loves you, and those around you love you.

i know you don't need that, but for my piece of mind, i'm telling you anyway. i'm telling everyone i know i love them everyday.

cause patrick said so.

for those who read this, i love you, even if i don't know you.

for a minute, i think i matter, and that's all i care about

so pete reads his comments on his new blog. that makes me smile, and for some reason, kinda warm inside. there are a lot of smart people who comment there, but for the most part, there's a lot of kids who just want his attention.

personally, i don't care if i have his.

he's just another person, abeit a little interesting, that makes me smile. so when he talks, i take the time to talk back. in all actuallity i should do that with all my online friends, but i don't know them as well as i want to. so as soon as i do, i will.

although, pete, if you ever do read this, don't think i'm a freak. i kinda love you in a 'ohmygoditspetewentzholyshit' kinda way. and also, 'this is one guy i could be friends with'. yeah i mostly hang out with idiots that like to pull pranks and fuck off for life.

god, i realized i need adult friends, lol.

also, just so you know, the people i'm friends with could be friends of yours too, if we knew you in the real world. they're cool like that.

OT: i am so glad that schyler's healthy right now. since we're losing his insurance, if he got sick and needed to be inpatient, we would be fucked. that's what you get when your kid has cystic fibrosis/cystic fibrosis related diabetes/cirrohsis/asthma/ADHD/OCD/and depression.

oh and petey...if you're ever in iowa and want to meet a cool kid who for some ungodly known reason wants to be just like you when you grow up, lemme know. you guys would be great pals. i don't think he'll ever want to grow up either. but would you if you were him?

really?