brain's working in overload

anyone with bi-polar disorder, or anyone living with someone who has it, knows that there is no cure. promises are broken. love is a pain we throw away. hate is what we cling to. i haven't taken my meds in so long, i can't remember what it feels like anymore. my husband hates me, and i have no love for anyone anymore. no one except for my anger at the world. i love that, thrive on it, and right now am drinking it as it slides down my throat into the valley of hell that lives inside, deep inside my belly. if i didn't have kids right now, i wouldn't be here right now. razor blades and pills are too easy anymore. i'm looking death in the face, only this time, it's me i'm staring back at. the me they've all come to love in the last few years has died as i tried to make her come back. no one wants a used container, they want it new, without the damage, and he's no different. what they don't know is that i know what's going on--they all use me for and end to a means, and i like a volleyed ball in the court, take it with a smile. and really, it's death is see smiling back at me, with blood in their mouth, and poision dripping off the teeth. no make me smile as the medicine takes me away again, making me this creature that no one loves or loved. they never will, ever. and the only one to blame is me and my overused and over energetic brain. only it knows why i do what i do. and that makes what's left of a scared little girl that no one wants, very very very sad. hate is the machine, i just use it.

OT: the city is at war video--see it. funny. as. hell. damn you Gabe Saporta.