first day in quitting smoking.
first day in the rest of my life.
i have no idea how i'm going to do this.
i just have to be patient.
i have to try.
i just wish i have the patches.
i will see how much they are at work.
and if they are too expensive, i'm getting smokes.
period.
until they come.
it makes sense.
i like my job, my friends, my family.
this will now be my quit smoking blog too, on top of everything else for a while.
sorry i haven't posted, life has gotten away from me.
welcome back to the insanity.
October 9, 2011
February 8, 2008
how much does a girl with no college education know?
that's a question i'd like to pose to anyone in a higher postition than myself at my company where i work. i know it's not a secret i work at wal-mart, and you seriously don't need to be a rocket scientist to work there. not even remotely.
see, i had an interview yesterday, with my store manager and the market human resource manager. we'll call them joe and sherril for all intents and purposes. the whole blog will be about this, so if this kind of thing bores you to tears then stop reading kiddies and move on, for i think i'll bore the shit out of you, so bad that you'll need to listen to 45 or hold on, and commit suicide (not really).
i have the best manager in the world.
i believe that with all my heart and soul.
and this is why.
my career with this company started on septemeber 16, 2007, which puts me there for 5 months. i was hired by a co, let's call him...rich. he was a very nice, soft spoken, but larger than life presence manager. i made sure i thanked him for the opportunity and relished the fact that after more than half of my life of wanting to work there, i was going to get my chance to show a company i believed in, what i could do. i was estatic. more than that, i thought i had finally found my niche, that i was home, that i could change the world being a cashier in a small iowa store.
i knew i was wrong, but i have delusions of grandeur.
whatever.
anyway, at the time, i had an assistant, named...kollin. he creeped me out at first, looking at people like he was the man with the meathook, coming to rip out my heart and eat it in front of my dying corpse.
i'm not even exaggerating, you should meet the guy and then tell me that you really don't get the same vibe after talking to him for five minutes.
moving on--i did my job, and there was some firing and quitting, you know how it goes, and long story short, kollin moved my up to CSM, in 44 days. customer service manager. he believed i could do the job, as did all the others, CSM's i mean, i don't care or didn't care about what everyone else thought at the time.
so hey, now i was in a management postition in a billion dollar a year corporation. wow.
i shouldn't have been. not because i'm not capable, not because i can't do the job, but because at that time, i should have known i wasn't going to get the correct training for my position. and i'm all about training. and also, then schyler got sick with MRSA, which was fucking horrible, and i had to leave shortly after recieving the promotion. i was at home taking care of my son, making sur ehe could get by with this sick disease raviging his lungs.
a month in being gone, i was going to throw in the towel. i almost called the store and told them i'd be there regardless of what was going on at home. i almost said fuck what was going on here, and told them i wanted to come back. but i didn't do anything.
and then out of the blue, joe, remember me telling you about him? he called me and asked me if i wanted to come back, that i did a good job, that he really enjoyed me being here, and he believed in me.
i couldn't talk to him, i cried and told him i'd call him as soon as i could, and then hung up on him, sobbing into my fist like i'd seen so many times on other people.
someone like that believed a little fat chick from nowhere that was nothing was worth their time to call me and ask me to come back.
oh fuck, did i bawl.
i went in there the next day, looking for him. and when i saw his face, i wanted to cry again, just because it hit me right there, you know what i mean? anyway, i ended up coming back and getting everything straighened out. i've been working without many interruptions for almost3 months. my training has been shit. but i've tried to train myself, asking the questions i needed to to learn all about my position. i went to personnel and told them that i felt it was lacking, and they reassured me (they're good at that) and sent me on my way.
now, two weeks ago, almost, i had a short encounter with joe again. they're few and far between, and i like it when he talks to me like an equal, he's good at that. but he came to me and asked me to apply for the personnel manager job that had been recently vacated. i hadn't even thought about it, and it struck me odd that this man i respected asked me to try out for it.
i have HR background for small companies, sure.
i have training background too.
but i have only been with wal-mart for not even five months.
see what i mean?
but i applied, not really caring if i got it, because i knew i wouldn't. hands down i know two other people that have more experience here than i do. i know that there's other people who would be so much better.
but i did, since i respect him.
2 days ago, i had my interview with him. it went well, and at the end he asked me what i thought had made him decide to tell me to apply. i told him that it was the personality that i had, the way i felt about the company, and the way that i tried.
he said yes.
so i walked out of there feeling better about it, but unsure if i did well enough.
he called me an hour later asking me for a second interview. so i said yes.
i waited an hour and a half after my shift to have this interview, since i wanted it to be over with. and i went. there were a lot of things that i didn't know. alot of things she confused me on, not telling me what she wanted to know about, so i was clumsy and not in the right mindset. i knew i would not be getting the position when she told joe she wanted someone who had the knowledge of the store, and all the things around it, and preferred someone with a degree.
but he did something that broke my heart in that interview.
he went to bat for me, telling her how i was so polite and cared about every single person that came in that place. telling her how i was very good at what i do, even though i wasn't there long or had much training. telling her how he believed in me.
i walked away knowing how great this man that everyone can't stand actually was.
i cried.
sad thing is? i can't tell a soul at work how wonderful he is.
and that breaks my heart that a man that works that hard, can't have the person he asked to be in the position since he thought i was worth it, in it.
and again, i'll pose the question.
how much does a girl with no college education know?
more than someone who has one. i know that a man that i respect and care for in a professional setting, is wonderful, and for the rest of my life, i will always remember how much he meant to me, personally and professionally.
thank you joe becker. thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done for me.
you are appreciated too, sir.
see, i had an interview yesterday, with my store manager and the market human resource manager. we'll call them joe and sherril for all intents and purposes. the whole blog will be about this, so if this kind of thing bores you to tears then stop reading kiddies and move on, for i think i'll bore the shit out of you, so bad that you'll need to listen to 45 or hold on, and commit suicide (not really).
i have the best manager in the world.
i believe that with all my heart and soul.
and this is why.
my career with this company started on septemeber 16, 2007, which puts me there for 5 months. i was hired by a co, let's call him...rich. he was a very nice, soft spoken, but larger than life presence manager. i made sure i thanked him for the opportunity and relished the fact that after more than half of my life of wanting to work there, i was going to get my chance to show a company i believed in, what i could do. i was estatic. more than that, i thought i had finally found my niche, that i was home, that i could change the world being a cashier in a small iowa store.
i knew i was wrong, but i have delusions of grandeur.
whatever.
anyway, at the time, i had an assistant, named...kollin. he creeped me out at first, looking at people like he was the man with the meathook, coming to rip out my heart and eat it in front of my dying corpse.
i'm not even exaggerating, you should meet the guy and then tell me that you really don't get the same vibe after talking to him for five minutes.
moving on--i did my job, and there was some firing and quitting, you know how it goes, and long story short, kollin moved my up to CSM, in 44 days. customer service manager. he believed i could do the job, as did all the others, CSM's i mean, i don't care or didn't care about what everyone else thought at the time.
so hey, now i was in a management postition in a billion dollar a year corporation. wow.
i shouldn't have been. not because i'm not capable, not because i can't do the job, but because at that time, i should have known i wasn't going to get the correct training for my position. and i'm all about training. and also, then schyler got sick with MRSA, which was fucking horrible, and i had to leave shortly after recieving the promotion. i was at home taking care of my son, making sur ehe could get by with this sick disease raviging his lungs.
a month in being gone, i was going to throw in the towel. i almost called the store and told them i'd be there regardless of what was going on at home. i almost said fuck what was going on here, and told them i wanted to come back. but i didn't do anything.
and then out of the blue, joe, remember me telling you about him? he called me and asked me if i wanted to come back, that i did a good job, that he really enjoyed me being here, and he believed in me.
i couldn't talk to him, i cried and told him i'd call him as soon as i could, and then hung up on him, sobbing into my fist like i'd seen so many times on other people.
someone like that believed a little fat chick from nowhere that was nothing was worth their time to call me and ask me to come back.
oh fuck, did i bawl.
i went in there the next day, looking for him. and when i saw his face, i wanted to cry again, just because it hit me right there, you know what i mean? anyway, i ended up coming back and getting everything straighened out. i've been working without many interruptions for almost3 months. my training has been shit. but i've tried to train myself, asking the questions i needed to to learn all about my position. i went to personnel and told them that i felt it was lacking, and they reassured me (they're good at that) and sent me on my way.
now, two weeks ago, almost, i had a short encounter with joe again. they're few and far between, and i like it when he talks to me like an equal, he's good at that. but he came to me and asked me to apply for the personnel manager job that had been recently vacated. i hadn't even thought about it, and it struck me odd that this man i respected asked me to try out for it.
i have HR background for small companies, sure.
i have training background too.
but i have only been with wal-mart for not even five months.
see what i mean?
but i applied, not really caring if i got it, because i knew i wouldn't. hands down i know two other people that have more experience here than i do. i know that there's other people who would be so much better.
but i did, since i respect him.
2 days ago, i had my interview with him. it went well, and at the end he asked me what i thought had made him decide to tell me to apply. i told him that it was the personality that i had, the way i felt about the company, and the way that i tried.
he said yes.
so i walked out of there feeling better about it, but unsure if i did well enough.
he called me an hour later asking me for a second interview. so i said yes.
i waited an hour and a half after my shift to have this interview, since i wanted it to be over with. and i went. there were a lot of things that i didn't know. alot of things she confused me on, not telling me what she wanted to know about, so i was clumsy and not in the right mindset. i knew i would not be getting the position when she told joe she wanted someone who had the knowledge of the store, and all the things around it, and preferred someone with a degree.
but he did something that broke my heart in that interview.
he went to bat for me, telling her how i was so polite and cared about every single person that came in that place. telling her how i was very good at what i do, even though i wasn't there long or had much training. telling her how he believed in me.
i walked away knowing how great this man that everyone can't stand actually was.
i cried.
sad thing is? i can't tell a soul at work how wonderful he is.
and that breaks my heart that a man that works that hard, can't have the person he asked to be in the position since he thought i was worth it, in it.
and again, i'll pose the question.
how much does a girl with no college education know?
more than someone who has one. i know that a man that i respect and care for in a professional setting, is wonderful, and for the rest of my life, i will always remember how much he meant to me, personally and professionally.
thank you joe becker. thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done for me.
you are appreciated too, sir.
January 29, 2008
happy birthday to the crazy bitch in the happy hat
birthdays suck, at least as far as they do for me. 14 and no care in the world, get my first 6 pack, 18 and in rehab, 19 and pregnant, living in iowa city with a dying baby, 24 alone and leaving my kids with the hubby because i'm off meds and insane.
there's more.
this year is pretty tame, i think.
scotch a roo bars, made my way, steaks, green beans and baked potatoes--diet be damned.
why is it always food that makes the day?
how about coloured her hair and watched The Tudors and listened to "Saturday'?
or
slept for 5 hours cuddled with the only man i'll grow old with?
or
stalked my favorites on the net while i got high on amonia and burned my scalp.
the last one, yeah, that's how we'll remember this one;this year;this day.
hugs and love to you.
the only thing to make this better would be for pete to dance to patrick singing "dance, dance". I could die happy and complete then.
there's more.
this year is pretty tame, i think.
scotch a roo bars, made my way, steaks, green beans and baked potatoes--diet be damned.
why is it always food that makes the day?
how about coloured her hair and watched The Tudors and listened to "Saturday'?
or
slept for 5 hours cuddled with the only man i'll grow old with?
or
stalked my favorites on the net while i got high on amonia and burned my scalp.
the last one, yeah, that's how we'll remember this one;this year;this day.
hugs and love to you.
the only thing to make this better would be for pete to dance to patrick singing "dance, dance". I could die happy and complete then.
January 25, 2008
you know, i decided something today.
i don't care if anyone reads this journal, or my countless others. i thought at first, that it would be like some sick invasion of my privacy if certain people (you know you who you are-pete-) would read my thoughts, but then something hit me like a ton of bricks.
we read his stuff, so it should by alright for him to read ours.
hee hee.
i reccommend anyone connected to this fandom not to write anything that they don't want him to read. lol! that means you.
January 23, 2008
i haven't been able to come near the computer or watch tv since last night when i found out.
heath was one of my favorite actors, he was amazing. i cried so hard after i saw his face with those numbers on the news, it was like a piece of my heart being ripped out and left to lie on the floor bleeding, and no one noticed.
except schyler.
my little twelve year old climbing on my lap, tears in his eyes, head on my shoulder, wanting words to make him smile again.
heath was his hero when schyler was young. he thought he was the best knight ever, and we ruined three dvd's watching it over and over in use. i can only imagine what would happen if he lost james marsters or pete. for a kid that has to strugglw with life, believeing in someone bigger than him gets him through the day, and this was like losing some of him too, i think. if i could tell people one thing about him that makes me proud is is that even though he should be down all the time, worried about death that faces him down at every turn, and he's starting to go through puberty, with all those emotions, so this couldn't come at a worse time. but what i'm most proud of, is even though a hero of his is dead, all he wants is to remember him.
that brings me to the entire purpose of the post here.
remember heath, remember every facet, remember what he did.
but i'll believe what he could of been, what he should have done.
for now.
and peter, stay safe. i don't know how much more i could handle. we love you, the world loves you, and those around you love you.
i know you don't need that, but for my piece of mind, i'm telling you anyway. i'm telling everyone i know i love them everyday.
cause patrick said so.
for those who read this, i love you, even if i don't know you.
heath was one of my favorite actors, he was amazing. i cried so hard after i saw his face with those numbers on the news, it was like a piece of my heart being ripped out and left to lie on the floor bleeding, and no one noticed.
except schyler.
my little twelve year old climbing on my lap, tears in his eyes, head on my shoulder, wanting words to make him smile again.
heath was his hero when schyler was young. he thought he was the best knight ever, and we ruined three dvd's watching it over and over in use. i can only imagine what would happen if he lost james marsters or pete. for a kid that has to strugglw with life, believeing in someone bigger than him gets him through the day, and this was like losing some of him too, i think. if i could tell people one thing about him that makes me proud is is that even though he should be down all the time, worried about death that faces him down at every turn, and he's starting to go through puberty, with all those emotions, so this couldn't come at a worse time. but what i'm most proud of, is even though a hero of his is dead, all he wants is to remember him.
that brings me to the entire purpose of the post here.
remember heath, remember every facet, remember what he did.
but i'll believe what he could of been, what he should have done.
for now.
and peter, stay safe. i don't know how much more i could handle. we love you, the world loves you, and those around you love you.
i know you don't need that, but for my piece of mind, i'm telling you anyway. i'm telling everyone i know i love them everyday.
cause patrick said so.
for those who read this, i love you, even if i don't know you.
January 18, 2008
for a minute, i think i matter, and that's all i care about
so pete reads his comments on his new blog. that makes me smile, and for some reason, kinda warm inside. there are a lot of smart people who comment there, but for the most part, there's a lot of kids who just want his attention.
personally, i don't care if i have his.
he's just another person, abeit a little interesting, that makes me smile. so when he talks, i take the time to talk back. in all actuallity i should do that with all my online friends, but i don't know them as well as i want to. so as soon as i do, i will.
although, pete, if you ever do read this, don't think i'm a freak. i kinda love you in a 'ohmygoditspetewentzholyshit' kinda way. and also, 'this is one guy i could be friends with'. yeah i mostly hang out with idiots that like to pull pranks and fuck off for life.
god, i realized i need adult friends, lol.
also, just so you know, the people i'm friends with could be friends of yours too, if we knew you in the real world. they're cool like that.
OT: i am so glad that schyler's healthy right now. since we're losing his insurance, if he got sick and needed to be inpatient, we would be fucked. that's what you get when your kid has cystic fibrosis/cystic fibrosis related diabetes/cirrohsis/asthma/ADHD/OCD/and depression.
oh and petey...if you're ever in iowa and want to meet a cool kid who for some ungodly known reason wants to be just like you when you grow up, lemme know. you guys would be great pals. i don't think he'll ever want to grow up either. but would you if you were him?
really?
personally, i don't care if i have his.
he's just another person, abeit a little interesting, that makes me smile. so when he talks, i take the time to talk back. in all actuallity i should do that with all my online friends, but i don't know them as well as i want to. so as soon as i do, i will.
although, pete, if you ever do read this, don't think i'm a freak. i kinda love you in a 'ohmygoditspetewentzholyshit' kinda way. and also, 'this is one guy i could be friends with'. yeah i mostly hang out with idiots that like to pull pranks and fuck off for life.
god, i realized i need adult friends, lol.
also, just so you know, the people i'm friends with could be friends of yours too, if we knew you in the real world. they're cool like that.
OT: i am so glad that schyler's healthy right now. since we're losing his insurance, if he got sick and needed to be inpatient, we would be fucked. that's what you get when your kid has cystic fibrosis/cystic fibrosis related diabetes/cirrohsis/asthma/ADHD/OCD/and depression.
oh and petey...if you're ever in iowa and want to meet a cool kid who for some ungodly known reason wants to be just like you when you grow up, lemme know. you guys would be great pals. i don't think he'll ever want to grow up either. but would you if you were him?
really?
January 15, 2008
five reasons why i adore (put a name here)
i decided, in my minor delusional episode, to tell you, and whoever is reading this, 5 reasons why i adore certain people. they range from people i know in real life, to people i met on the internet. if your name comes up and you want it off, then let me know, i'll delete it.
enjoy.
schyler aren:
1.) my first born
2.) the only person i tell every secret to
3.) you accept me for who i am
4.) you have my heart wrapped around your little finger
5.) in all my insane ranting, you've found a way not to be like me
sethers:
1.) my xerox
2.) my baby boy
3.) you want to change your name to set, and have since you found out who set was
4.) you think you're from jupiter
5.) unfortunately, you're as crazy as me.
joey joe:
1.) you love me unconditionally
2.) no matter what or who i like, you try to like it too
3.) your hugs are amazing
4.) you haven't let my craziness ruin us
5.) your eyes are like the answer to every question i've ever had
pete:
1.) you're a little crazy too
2.) you're not afraid to be yourself
3.) your scratchy voice melts my heart
4.) you have an extensive mind that allows you to believe in the most out of this world things
5.) two words: neverland and pan
patrick martin:
1.) when i hear your voice i can't think sometimes
2.) no matter what everyone thinks you look like, you're still you to me
3.) musical genius
4.) you care, even when you think you don't
5.) you love pete, and only god knows why
sarah:
1.) your wit
2.) your creativity
3.) you have a heart breaking philosophy towards life
4.) gabilliam
5.) you like me for me
that's all i want to put for now, maybe add more later.
love and insaneness to you all, be well.
enjoy.
schyler aren:
1.) my first born
2.) the only person i tell every secret to
3.) you accept me for who i am
4.) you have my heart wrapped around your little finger
5.) in all my insane ranting, you've found a way not to be like me
sethers:
1.) my xerox
2.) my baby boy
3.) you want to change your name to set, and have since you found out who set was
4.) you think you're from jupiter
5.) unfortunately, you're as crazy as me.
joey joe:
1.) you love me unconditionally
2.) no matter what or who i like, you try to like it too
3.) your hugs are amazing
4.) you haven't let my craziness ruin us
5.) your eyes are like the answer to every question i've ever had
pete:
1.) you're a little crazy too
2.) you're not afraid to be yourself
3.) your scratchy voice melts my heart
4.) you have an extensive mind that allows you to believe in the most out of this world things
5.) two words: neverland and pan
patrick martin:
1.) when i hear your voice i can't think sometimes
2.) no matter what everyone thinks you look like, you're still you to me
3.) musical genius
4.) you care, even when you think you don't
5.) you love pete, and only god knows why
sarah:
1.) your wit
2.) your creativity
3.) you have a heart breaking philosophy towards life
4.) gabilliam
5.) you like me for me
that's all i want to put for now, maybe add more later.
love and insaneness to you all, be well.
January 14, 2008
so Petey got himself a new blog.
he needs something to occupy the hours with.
for those of you hanging with me, don't go rushing over to see what you're missing.
take your time, he's just posting pics and wanting to see what you have to say.
other news.....
i think i'm in serious like with a short, strawberry blonde, kinda soft looking younger guy, lmao!
he's a hottie in every sense of the word, and not that it's news, but it dawned on me at 4 am, that it is true.
my family thinks i might be crazier than normal.
i made them listen to PATD, FOB, CS, and MCS(motioncitysoundtrack for those not in the know) yesterday all day.
it was fabulous!
serious thought of the day folks?
where in the hell are we going to move to? and how?
he needs something to occupy the hours with.
for those of you hanging with me, don't go rushing over to see what you're missing.
take your time, he's just posting pics and wanting to see what you have to say.
other news.....
i think i'm in serious like with a short, strawberry blonde, kinda soft looking younger guy, lmao!
he's a hottie in every sense of the word, and not that it's news, but it dawned on me at 4 am, that it is true.
my family thinks i might be crazier than normal.
i made them listen to PATD, FOB, CS, and MCS(motioncitysoundtrack for those not in the know) yesterday all day.
it was fabulous!
serious thought of the day folks?
where in the hell are we going to move to? and how?
December 31, 2007
brain's working in overload
anyone with bi-polar disorder, or anyone living with someone who has it, knows that there is no cure. promises are broken. love is a pain we throw away. hate is what we cling to. i haven't taken my meds in so long, i can't remember what it feels like anymore. my husband hates me, and i have no love for anyone anymore. no one except for my anger at the world. i love that, thrive on it, and right now am drinking it as it slides down my throat into the valley of hell that lives inside, deep inside my belly. if i didn't have kids right now, i wouldn't be here right now. razor blades and pills are too easy anymore. i'm looking death in the face, only this time, it's me i'm staring back at. the me they've all come to love in the last few years has died as i tried to make her come back. no one wants a used container, they want it new, without the damage, and he's no different. what they don't know is that i know what's going on--they all use me for and end to a means, and i like a volleyed ball in the court, take it with a smile. and really, it's death is see smiling back at me, with blood in their mouth, and poision dripping off the teeth. no make me smile as the medicine takes me away again, making me this creature that no one loves or loved. they never will, ever. and the only one to blame is me and my overused and over energetic brain. only it knows why i do what i do. and that makes what's left of a scared little girl that no one wants, very very very sad. hate is the machine, i just use it.
OT: the city is at war video--see it. funny. as. hell. damn you Gabe Saporta.
OT: the city is at war video--see it. funny. as. hell. damn you Gabe Saporta.
December 29, 2007
rounded value for a shitty saturday morning
i went to bed last night with 2 checks stolen. my mom had 9 stolen. my brother's ex girlfriend came up to our house this last weekend for christmas, and subsequently we had checks stolen.
now this bitch, and i use this term loosely, this bitch has stolen soooo many checks that she' been under threat to go to prison. my nephew is her son, and for all rights a purposes, i feel so fucking sorry for him, first her getting him addicted to meth in the womb, and then doing meth with him around, and then the bitch is still doing drugs! stealing checks! fucking runining his goddamned life!
mom is crying, tears of regret or ever helping anyone out, sliding down her cheeks to an empty world that doesn't give a fuck whether or not someone who you take care of has fucked you in more ways than i have ever imagined.
i hate that fucking whore. i will kill her in ways you can't even imagine.
in my mind, she's already dead.
dead as dead can be, the whore.
now this bitch, and i use this term loosely, this bitch has stolen soooo many checks that she' been under threat to go to prison. my nephew is her son, and for all rights a purposes, i feel so fucking sorry for him, first her getting him addicted to meth in the womb, and then doing meth with him around, and then the bitch is still doing drugs! stealing checks! fucking runining his goddamned life!
mom is crying, tears of regret or ever helping anyone out, sliding down her cheeks to an empty world that doesn't give a fuck whether or not someone who you take care of has fucked you in more ways than i have ever imagined.
i hate that fucking whore. i will kill her in ways you can't even imagine.
in my mind, she's already dead.
dead as dead can be, the whore.
December 21, 2007
peter, the lonely boy far from home
i sit here and read your blog, wondering about the things you wonder about. dunno why, just seems like the thing for me to do. i know you have a lot of shit going on, and sometimes it feels like being alone would be better than anything, but you know man, people are never going to leave you alone. and i don't mean just for a day, a month a year, but they will never leave you alone, because you're Pete Wentz.
that's so fucking sad.
if i controlled the news and the news gathering organizations, i would tell them that you could have a reprieve. if i controlled the people who came up to you in the streets, i would make sure they didn't ask you for shit. if i controlled the people who were your friends, i would make sure they didn't leave your side for a minute. but most of all, if i controlled anything at all, that made any difference anywhere, then i would make it so you were happy with your life and the way you've turned out. totally and completely happy.
cause you're cool, a little, and for being a dirty little boy, you make me smile when you're happy, and you make me sad when you're not happy.
and i don't have a fucking clue why...no one else on the fucking planet has that kind of control over my emotions, except for my kids.
probably because like you, i wished all my life that i could be like peter pan and never grow up. i've been that way my whole life--just ask anyone.
anyway, nothing but love for you man, and please for the love of god, quit reading my shit, lol!
that's so fucking sad.
if i controlled the news and the news gathering organizations, i would tell them that you could have a reprieve. if i controlled the people who came up to you in the streets, i would make sure they didn't ask you for shit. if i controlled the people who were your friends, i would make sure they didn't leave your side for a minute. but most of all, if i controlled anything at all, that made any difference anywhere, then i would make it so you were happy with your life and the way you've turned out. totally and completely happy.
cause you're cool, a little, and for being a dirty little boy, you make me smile when you're happy, and you make me sad when you're not happy.
and i don't have a fucking clue why...no one else on the fucking planet has that kind of control over my emotions, except for my kids.
probably because like you, i wished all my life that i could be like peter pan and never grow up. i've been that way my whole life--just ask anyone.
anyway, nothing but love for you man, and please for the love of god, quit reading my shit, lol!
December 17, 2007
save your goddamn reciepts!! joe is the shit, and what to do when you have nothing to do
working at wal-mart as a CSM has made me become a fucking nazi about keeping your reciept. we have policies we have to enforce and people just do not get it. no, i will not let you return your air mattress for the 50th time just because it has a leak. call the motherfucking manufacturer or quit using the fuckers for sex play! no will not let you return the computer you bought 6 months ago, when our policy clearly states that you have 15 motherfucking-goddamn days.
asses.
on to other news, I love Joe Trohman almost as much as I love petey and patrick. he is like the coolest son of a bitch i have ever had the pleasure of reading. he has a way with words that make you feel special, although maybe it comes from the fact that he's fan himself. i dunno, all i do know is, is that i love him, want to hug him and rub his fro. /end
send your loved ones some fun christmas cards that are mostly hate mail. fuck em if they can't a joke.
have a good day peeps and pete, quit reading my shit, and i'll quit reading yours. ha!
asses.
on to other news, I love Joe Trohman almost as much as I love petey and patrick. he is like the coolest son of a bitch i have ever had the pleasure of reading. he has a way with words that make you feel special, although maybe it comes from the fact that he's fan himself. i dunno, all i do know is, is that i love him, want to hug him and rub his fro. /end
send your loved ones some fun christmas cards that are mostly hate mail. fuck em if they can't a joke.
have a good day peeps and pete, quit reading my shit, and i'll quit reading yours. ha!
December 13, 2007
keeping the peace, or how to disarm a nuclear weapon
i sit here at night and i wonder what's going on with the people that i love, that all they can do s fight with one another and be adults about it all. it used to be that i would be fucked up and doing it all right beside them, but then i grew the fuck up and now, i don't need to do all that anymore. the only thing that i can tell you is that there is no right in the world.
everyone wants a piece of you.
and me.
fuck em!
i see these people in the media that i care about, and don't listen to half the shit that's said about them, because i respect them, but sometimes you have to wonder why other people don't do the dame thing!
because they're fuckers, that's why.
and i hate each and every one of them for that.
check out the pretty that i made for me up top. i have an infatuation with this guy. i think it might be the way he screams. not sure though. i can't say he's the most beautiful man in the world, that would be lying, but he is the most beautiful man in the world to me.
scary that a guy who could give two shits about my exsistence means that much to me huh? you know why i love fall out boy. no pretenses.
they. are. just. that. cool.
long live the car crash hearts motherfuckers.
December 10, 2007
the sins of the day ebb away slowly while i ponder you
the basement is cold, but functional, better than being at work right now. people who go out into society should never think that they are entilted to be treated better than anyone else. slavery was abolished with the last drop of blood spilled, and i know that was very long ago.
animals crawl around in my mind, lurking there, waiting for the moment when it will be okay to come out and tear apart the world around me. it should be the meds talking now, but when you can't afford them, you try to talk down the monsters in your head, hoping for a minute of peace when you lay you head on that down pillow. pain wracks my brain daily, taming them as much as i can, which is so much harder than i have ever imagined.
i created this as a place that i could write down every fucking thing i can't say, just to have an outlet for those macrabe dreams that surround me when i'm awake. imagine seeing your life fall around you in seconds, all because someone said something defaming you, hurting the thick wall you've built around your heart, callousing all the parts that can die. imagine trying to fix damage done by no one but yourself, telling you to do things you know are wrong, but you don't figure out until after the fact, and the damage is so very badly done.
when i listen to music, it takes the pain away for awhile, bringing in a light that shines down to my soul. everyone should have something like that, a technicolor dream world that opens up when you know if it doesn't you'll die and everything that's made itself a part of you will too.
imagine being someone who doesn't know what it's like to be right ever--because his/her mind won't let them. gray is a world i don't know about. i only see in the harsh colors of black and white while you sit there in that brightly color life--looking down on me.
shut the fuck up, fucker, fuck you and fuck everything you believe in. i own myself, the world i live in, and i am no one to anyone.......not even to me.
animals crawl around in my mind, lurking there, waiting for the moment when it will be okay to come out and tear apart the world around me. it should be the meds talking now, but when you can't afford them, you try to talk down the monsters in your head, hoping for a minute of peace when you lay you head on that down pillow. pain wracks my brain daily, taming them as much as i can, which is so much harder than i have ever imagined.
i created this as a place that i could write down every fucking thing i can't say, just to have an outlet for those macrabe dreams that surround me when i'm awake. imagine seeing your life fall around you in seconds, all because someone said something defaming you, hurting the thick wall you've built around your heart, callousing all the parts that can die. imagine trying to fix damage done by no one but yourself, telling you to do things you know are wrong, but you don't figure out until after the fact, and the damage is so very badly done.
when i listen to music, it takes the pain away for awhile, bringing in a light that shines down to my soul. everyone should have something like that, a technicolor dream world that opens up when you know if it doesn't you'll die and everything that's made itself a part of you will too.
imagine being someone who doesn't know what it's like to be right ever--because his/her mind won't let them. gray is a world i don't know about. i only see in the harsh colors of black and white while you sit there in that brightly color life--looking down on me.
shut the fuck up, fucker, fuck you and fuck everything you believe in. i own myself, the world i live in, and i am no one to anyone.......not even to me.
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